


Undeclared

by sonuvawitch



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-01
Packaged: 2018-03-26 17:08:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3858352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonuvawitch/pseuds/sonuvawitch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barry realizes he has feelings for Cisco a little too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Undeclared

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after 1x15 and doesn't really follow canon after that. Also this is based off of a line from a poem called Straw House, Straw Dog by Richard Siken that goes "I don't really blame you for being dead but you can't have your sweater back".

Barry stared at the crumpled body lying on the floor of S.T.A.R. Labs. Cisco's body, a numb voice in the back of his mind reminded him. Barry wasn't, couldn't pay attention to the commotion around him. Caitlin sobbed, her head in her hands, muttering to herself over and over "I should have done better. I should have done something". Joe was assessing the scene, asking Barry questions about where Dr. Wells could be, how could this have happened, that they needed to report this to the station. Eddie was trying to comfort Caitlin, offering a shoulder to cry on, a look of pity deep in his eyes. The tears that would inevitably come had not started yet for Barry. Standing there, he waited for Cisco to move, to blink, to breathe. He waited for Caitlin to stop crying and for Cisco to crack a joke about how it was all a prank and Dr. Wells wasn't the man who had killed his mother and now his best friend. His breath hitched at the word _best friend_ , it didn't sound quite right. Confused, Barry tried to find a more accurate word for what Cisco was, had been to him. In this moment, he realized the feelings he had for Cisco, something that he had ignored for weeks or months, weren't exactly platonic. Was it your best friend who made your already fast heart skip a beat by smiling? Did they make your palms sweat and your stomach flip when they brushed against your arm? Because for Barry, it was Cisco who did all of these things and more.

The noises around him, Joe asking questions and Caitlin still crying, finally registered to Barry. It hit him that, no, Cisco wasn't going to wake up and pat Barry on the back or smile his beautiful smile, Cisco was dead. Letting out a choked sob, his knees started to shake, his vision blurred as the tears started to fall. Down he went, knees giving up and falling to the floor, hands shaking as they reached for Cisco's body. Joe tugged at his shoulder, "Come on Bar, let's get you home". But Barry couldn't stand, not yet. He had promised Cisco, late one night after beers and videogames, that he was there to protect Cisco and Caitlin, and that he would keep them out of harm's way. At the time he had believed the bad guys to be unknown meta humans, not Wells. It hadn't occurred to him that the danger would come from within. "I'm sorry Cisco" Barry muttered, over and over again until Joe was finally able to get him off the floor and into the back of a police car.

* * *

 Staring at the ceiling, lying in his bed, Barry thought of Cisco and of their time spent together and of the times they would never get. He thought of the last time Cisco visited his house, how they had sat in his room and talked about the newest tech Cisco was building. When he talked, the excitement lit up his eyes and Barry couldn’t help but stare. Late into the night, after snacks and talking and enjoying each other's company, Barry returned Cisco to his apartment, slightly disappointed that Cisco wouldn't be staying over, though he wasn't sure why. Once returned and about to go to sleep, he had noticed Cisco's cardigan, simple and dark blue, at the end of his bed. He figured he would return it in the morning.

He never did return the cardigan, for there it hung on the bedpost at the end of the bed. Grabbing it, Barry studied it as if it was some ancient artifact hiding the secrets of a long dead civilization. He ran his fingers over the fabric, and after a few minutes held it up to his face, curious to see if it still smelled like Cisco. Much to his surprise and relief, it did. The smell was faint but it was familiar and comforting. He tried to remember all the times he had seen Cisco wearing it, the times in S.T.A.R. Labs, the one time he wore it to karaoke night. A small smile formed as Barry remembered Cisco singing pop songs half drunk to a room full of people. After the smile, the tears started again, slightly darkening the fabric in his hands. He wondered what Cisco would do, if he could see Barry crying into his sweater. He'd probably say something like "Dude you know how sappy that looks right? If you loved me that much you should have asked me out and we could have had an epic romance full of action and adventure".

Barry muttered to himself, "It's your fault you had to die", except that it wasn't and Barry knew that. He blamed Wells of course, and himself for failing Cisco. Failing to be the hero and save his best friend. The word still sounded odd, _best friend_ , he knew now that he felt something more. He had just realized a little to late and no amount of running could fix that. So he decided to keep the sweater. He didn't know how long the smell would last, how long it would bring him comfort or if it would turn into a reminder of his failure, but he was keeping it.

* * *

It had only been a few hours since Cisco's death, hours which Barry had spent lying in his bed silently crying into a dark blue cardigan. He hadn't even taken off his suit. Scenarios of how Cisco died played over and over in his head, Barry imagining the conversation between Cisco and Wells. He thought of how helpless Cisco would have been and he wondered how long it took Wells to kill him. The crushing weight of guilt and sadness slowly creeped into Barry's heart so got up and started running. He ran and ran, fast as he could around Central City hoping to outrun the guilt. Cisco's voice echoed in his ears, at first repeating jokes and mundane conversations, then pleas of "Help" and "Don't kill me". His vision blurred and Barry couldn't tell if it was because of his speed or the tears in his eyes but he kept running and running, too afraid to stop. He only slowed when he saw a familiar figure next to him, thinking for a split second that it could be the Reverse Flash, but the suit was red, not yellow. Barry slowed to a stop and looked at his surroundings, confused as to why it was suddenly dark. Heart pounding and lungs heaving, he stood in the middle of the street waiting for something to make sense to him. Then a voice in his ear appeared, "Barry? Dude are you okay? Why did you stop?". At hearing that voice Barry's heart almost stopped.

"Cisco?" He whispered, afraid to believe that what he was hearing was true.

"Uhh yeah I'm here. So is Caitlin and Wells. Nothing new has happened since you left five minutes ago". Barry smiled and covered his mouth as laughter bubbled out, still not sure of what was happening but he wasn't about to question the fact that Cisco was alive again.

Caitlin's concerned voice chimed in "Barry are you feeling alright? Maybe you should come back to S.T.A.R. labs".

Taking a deep breath, he replied, "No guys I'm fine. Where am I supposed to be going again?". He could imagine the confused looks they were giving each other, but he'd figure out an explanation later.

This time it was Dr. Wells who answered, "You should be heading to the morgue", his voice also sounding slightly concerned. The morgue. It all clicked. Barry had somehow traveled back a day, before Cisco had died and he had lost his best friend. _Best friend_ still sounded off, but he would fix that after fulfilling his duty at the morgue. He would ask Cisco out and tell him how important he was to Barry, because he couldn't miss his chance again. He would even give Cisco his sweater back.


End file.
